Yesterday I saw three cats at my friend's house. Mysterious in their enigmatic way, they warmed my heart. They were the first cats I had seen since Malcolm's death. I touch and petted the orange fur cat who almost acknowledged me. Still, I was happy to be near a cat, cats again and to feel their prescense.
Memories of Malcolm come back. Memories of our really feisty cat Leo, the cat before Malcolm come back. And then I float back in time to when I lived on an island off the west coast of Ireland so long ago. Yes, there I had a sweet cat too whose name was Walnut. A companion to my dog Pumpkin....those memories will have their own story time too........
Cats, memories, moments. I am grateful to have been in the prescense of these cats yesterday.
Grateful for the cats in my life. Grateful to feel the possibility of looking ahead eventually to having another cat. Grateful for all these moments. Grateful to Malcolm. His affection remains.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
TWO LANTERNS: for my cat Malcolm
INTRODUCTION TO MY FIRST BLOG
I am moved to start a Blog. The yearning and the desire to post my thoughts publicly has been with me for a while.
The passing of my dear Cat Malcolm this past week is my "Cat-a-Lyst". I am moved by his life, his comfort and his affection. The solace he gave so freely.
I am an artist, a write and a storyteller. I like to draw and add words to my pictures. In addition to this Blog I am grateful to be doing some paintings that reflect on his absence as well as resuming a fold out book I started a year ago about him.
Writing about my cat is also a "Cat-a-Lyst" for reflecting on other aspects of life. Ripples from one event lead to another, and the rich tapestry of memories woven through a life can take one on many inner journey reflecting backwards and forwards through time.
Thanks for reading this Blog. I look forward to your response.
TWO LANTERNS
The night the big snowstorm blew in I drove home sliding on slippery roads. My ailing cat Malcolm met me at the door as I stomped in from the cold.
I held him for a while and mused. Somehow I had an urge to make two simple lanterns for the front of my house. So I did. Out of plastic acetate, tissue paper and red shiny paper. I cut out two cats, two turtles and two foxes out of red shiny paper. I carefully placed the animals in a line
on the plastic acetate contact paper. As I worked, dear Malcolm our big affectionate black cat watched me. He watched me as he declined, in his old age, now ill. And I watched him, now with eyes of gratitude, with a heart of gratitude as my husband read nearby.
Yes, I cut the shapes out carefully, the animal shapes, knowing the shiny red cat shapes signified Malcolm and knowing that yes, these fragile little lanterns were his spirit lanterns, lighting his way into the next realm.
He watched me and carefully jumped on my lap as he always had. Loving, kind and gentle.
I cut a circle out of shiny silver paper and then cut a slit. I pulled back a portion for the hanger....The hanger!!?? What was I going to do for a hanger? I rummaged in a drawer and found some colorful velcro ties. It's a good thing I don't clean out my drawers very often. Those rich troves yield their treasures as they need to.
I stuck the velcro tie on and shaped the unwieldy cone onto the base of the lantern. Yes, it all just kind of fit together in kind of an awkward handhewn fashion. Yes, all done and ready. I found my two battery operated candles and cut a place for them to kind of glide in.
It was about zero degrees out there. Lavender and purple light glinted and mysterious shadows formed a harmonious whole.
Wind whipped my face as I walked out to where the metal arch with flowers and birds that welcomes visitors to our home.
There, as snowflakes fell I placed the lanterns slipping the velcro pieces on just so, and they hung there. Then I carefully pushed the teeny tiny switch on the underside of the candles and the candles lit up, casting a delicate but steady light in the cold winter night air.
I like to think Malcolm watched from the window, but I know he was dozing on the radiator, half in and half out of life.
I stood on the sidewalk. Proud of my efforts. The small lanterns shone mystically and mysteriously into the night sky twinkling barely like the stars above in the realm I knew Malcolm would soon join.
I turned and walke down the street, all the way to the park. There in the dark night the illuminated falls shone with its first array of icicles glinting. One cannot see the water flowing, you can only hear its swoosh as it makes it way to the great river.
SERVICE OF THE HEART
Tuesday I said good-bye reluctantly to Malcolm, telling him:"You are the Best " as I stroked his head as he lay there weakly.
Later that morning he was gone. Dead. We had to let him go from his suffering. Poor Kitty.
I found the small clay image of him I had made months ago and tucked it into my pocket. Tears flowed and flowed.
The next morning I hurriedly left for work and ran to Walgreen's first to pick up a sewing kit, a New York Times and some batteries. As I drove to work I flipped on the radio and the most amazing music flowed out as morning sun streamed over me. I drove along listening as the music in its generosity of melody and tune evoked Malcolm's wonderful life. The melodies captured his sweetness, his kindness and his frolicing good nature.
I could see him laying on his belly in the sun, running through the house, crouched in the shade in the summer heat, curled up my lap or my husband's lap. I could feel his head bumps of affection.
Crying I drove along, with each part of the music evoking some richer memory. Unexpectedly, it was a service of the heart for my departed cat Malcolm.
The music began as I started for work and ended just as I arrived there. A complete moment that stayed with me all day.
SOLACE
I have a cold. Sniffle, sniffle. Of course, I have a cold now. In winter. Grief and Loss. Loss and Grief. Malcolm's gone. I finally toss out the litter boxes, the litter, sweep up the cat food bits on the floor.
But I can't toss out the memories of him. They crowd in close.
Other times when I was sick, I'd hear those footsteps on the stairs. The claws on the wood floor and then a leap onto the bed and next to me, on top of me, bringing me Solace and Comfort.
There he's be, laying on me all the long hours of the day in the Sick Room, comforting me.
There's a large tree with huge upturned branches just outside my back door. It has a mystical prescence and reminds me of the Tree of Life with all the various attributes. Malcolm embodied the attribute of loving kindness.
Now I lay here, still sniffling, remembering all that. I knit, the electric heater roars.The house is quiet and now vastly empty after his death. So empty. I lay here sniffling. Kleenexes fill the basket.
I wait. Simply wait, out of habit...out of memory...out of yearning.
I wait....wait to hear the tread on the stairs, to feel his furry warmth and look into those mysterious green eyes. I wait.
Malcolm comforted me at every turn of the road. Through joy and sorrow. During the long hours I pondered my fate as my hours at work were cut, comforting me through my feelings of hurt and anguish.
Always there.
Now I sink into my winter dreams...casting out ...drifting.....I watch the lavender shadows lengthen....Evening falls. The house feels oddly silent.
At night I step outside and light the two lanterns. They move in the wind. The cat, the fox and the turtle. They move in the wind, glinting. Malcolm's spirit roams free. I watch the light flickering in the small handmade lanterns
and look up into the vast night sky.
I am moved to start a Blog. The yearning and the desire to post my thoughts publicly has been with me for a while.
The passing of my dear Cat Malcolm this past week is my "Cat-a-Lyst". I am moved by his life, his comfort and his affection. The solace he gave so freely.
I am an artist, a write and a storyteller. I like to draw and add words to my pictures. In addition to this Blog I am grateful to be doing some paintings that reflect on his absence as well as resuming a fold out book I started a year ago about him.
Writing about my cat is also a "Cat-a-Lyst" for reflecting on other aspects of life. Ripples from one event lead to another, and the rich tapestry of memories woven through a life can take one on many inner journey reflecting backwards and forwards through time.
Thanks for reading this Blog. I look forward to your response.
TWO LANTERNS
The night the big snowstorm blew in I drove home sliding on slippery roads. My ailing cat Malcolm met me at the door as I stomped in from the cold.
I held him for a while and mused. Somehow I had an urge to make two simple lanterns for the front of my house. So I did. Out of plastic acetate, tissue paper and red shiny paper. I cut out two cats, two turtles and two foxes out of red shiny paper. I carefully placed the animals in a line
on the plastic acetate contact paper. As I worked, dear Malcolm our big affectionate black cat watched me. He watched me as he declined, in his old age, now ill. And I watched him, now with eyes of gratitude, with a heart of gratitude as my husband read nearby.
Yes, I cut the shapes out carefully, the animal shapes, knowing the shiny red cat shapes signified Malcolm and knowing that yes, these fragile little lanterns were his spirit lanterns, lighting his way into the next realm.
He watched me and carefully jumped on my lap as he always had. Loving, kind and gentle.
I cut a circle out of shiny silver paper and then cut a slit. I pulled back a portion for the hanger....The hanger!!?? What was I going to do for a hanger? I rummaged in a drawer and found some colorful velcro ties. It's a good thing I don't clean out my drawers very often. Those rich troves yield their treasures as they need to.
I stuck the velcro tie on and shaped the unwieldy cone onto the base of the lantern. Yes, it all just kind of fit together in kind of an awkward handhewn fashion. Yes, all done and ready. I found my two battery operated candles and cut a place for them to kind of glide in.
It was about zero degrees out there. Lavender and purple light glinted and mysterious shadows formed a harmonious whole.
Wind whipped my face as I walked out to where the metal arch with flowers and birds that welcomes visitors to our home.
There, as snowflakes fell I placed the lanterns slipping the velcro pieces on just so, and they hung there. Then I carefully pushed the teeny tiny switch on the underside of the candles and the candles lit up, casting a delicate but steady light in the cold winter night air.
I like to think Malcolm watched from the window, but I know he was dozing on the radiator, half in and half out of life.
I stood on the sidewalk. Proud of my efforts. The small lanterns shone mystically and mysteriously into the night sky twinkling barely like the stars above in the realm I knew Malcolm would soon join.
I turned and walke down the street, all the way to the park. There in the dark night the illuminated falls shone with its first array of icicles glinting. One cannot see the water flowing, you can only hear its swoosh as it makes it way to the great river.
SERVICE OF THE HEART
Tuesday I said good-bye reluctantly to Malcolm, telling him:"You are the Best " as I stroked his head as he lay there weakly.
Later that morning he was gone. Dead. We had to let him go from his suffering. Poor Kitty.
I found the small clay image of him I had made months ago and tucked it into my pocket. Tears flowed and flowed.
The next morning I hurriedly left for work and ran to Walgreen's first to pick up a sewing kit, a New York Times and some batteries. As I drove to work I flipped on the radio and the most amazing music flowed out as morning sun streamed over me. I drove along listening as the music in its generosity of melody and tune evoked Malcolm's wonderful life. The melodies captured his sweetness, his kindness and his frolicing good nature.
I could see him laying on his belly in the sun, running through the house, crouched in the shade in the summer heat, curled up my lap or my husband's lap. I could feel his head bumps of affection.
Crying I drove along, with each part of the music evoking some richer memory. Unexpectedly, it was a service of the heart for my departed cat Malcolm.
The music began as I started for work and ended just as I arrived there. A complete moment that stayed with me all day.
SOLACE
I have a cold. Sniffle, sniffle. Of course, I have a cold now. In winter. Grief and Loss. Loss and Grief. Malcolm's gone. I finally toss out the litter boxes, the litter, sweep up the cat food bits on the floor.
But I can't toss out the memories of him. They crowd in close.
Other times when I was sick, I'd hear those footsteps on the stairs. The claws on the wood floor and then a leap onto the bed and next to me, on top of me, bringing me Solace and Comfort.
There he's be, laying on me all the long hours of the day in the Sick Room, comforting me.
There's a large tree with huge upturned branches just outside my back door. It has a mystical prescence and reminds me of the Tree of Life with all the various attributes. Malcolm embodied the attribute of loving kindness.
Now I lay here, still sniffling, remembering all that. I knit, the electric heater roars.The house is quiet and now vastly empty after his death. So empty. I lay here sniffling. Kleenexes fill the basket.
I wait. Simply wait, out of habit...out of memory...out of yearning.
I wait....wait to hear the tread on the stairs, to feel his furry warmth and look into those mysterious green eyes. I wait.
Malcolm comforted me at every turn of the road. Through joy and sorrow. During the long hours I pondered my fate as my hours at work were cut, comforting me through my feelings of hurt and anguish.
Always there.
Now I sink into my winter dreams...casting out ...drifting.....I watch the lavender shadows lengthen....Evening falls. The house feels oddly silent.
At night I step outside and light the two lanterns. They move in the wind. The cat, the fox and the turtle. They move in the wind, glinting. Malcolm's spirit roams free. I watch the light flickering in the small handmade lanterns
and look up into the vast night sky.
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